I was going to start by saying I don't know why I do this to myself. This isn't true. It's amazing how even an inner monologue can begin with false truths. That is how this started, an inner monologue. I was watching a movie and feelings reflected, cropped up even, It's the empathy in me. Normally held at bay by my own safeguards, my barriers, walls. These are part of a total defense mechanism, one only defeated by one of two things; a warm and caring touch or alcohol.
Lets just say the former is almost 2 months from the day away from being the plural form of a length of time it takes for the earth to rotate the sun. The later tends to occur as often as the earth itself rotates. Not in excess. Back to the point. What I do to myself. I break down the walls and barriers of my own accord and expose myself to raw emotion, captured in film granted, but anything meant to invoke emotion in people, performed by credible actors does exactly as intended, within me.
To experience this film in any form of weakened state, seeing the sparks of love igniting between two people quickly over 2 weeks before the man leaves for the last year of his active duty, at the end of which war happens and he is duty bound to re-enlist and break this to her. There is so much more to it and I do not do the story justice.
What I do not understand is this. There are so many men out there who do not understand honor. There are so many that do not understand romance. After the 20+ years of genetic programming at the hands of disney and other such mediums creating a generation of women ever so more seeking romance and being swept off their feet by a "Prince" they still dismiss such a man upon meeting them and run on continuing to get hurt by bad men so they are always in delicate position fearing pain and dismissing the good guys, rinse repeat.
I am tired of thinking about it. Here I am longing of such a romance depicted, I've been there before but the fire burns out. I'll settle for the chance to burn regardless of the outcome.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Burning
There is fire inside that simmers yet yearns to consume that which my eyes wish to set upon. A sight so calescent that with each thought it consumes the very air I breath leaving less then what I had when I first held my breath. There isn't much time left now. The sands of the hour flow freely through the glass that is teasingly shaped like that which doesn't hold true to its own test. It is a measure that spans a life, the greatest of which being the first half and I do but question if that has passed. There comes a moment when it is decided without discourse that which shall prevail. Does the fire burn bright yet controlled by a master, fueling his desires and passion, or does it overwhelm him only to consume all that once was yet is all that is left. A sweltering inferno that leaves no chance for life to grow from the ashes.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I retire for the day
I've eaten, both a liquid meal and that of various solids. I've consumed my own fill of prescribed spirits. I am content for now and so I retire to a bed shared with ghosts. They are always out of reach but that does not stop them from touching me as I sleep and experience what my subconscious cares to torture me with for for its part. The conscious portion of my mind apparently does not do the need for such turmoil justice, so it huants me so as I rest.
Im not sure the word rest quite qualifies. Moments of physical activity in lull, thought out but not to be accomplished in that time of closed eyes, not in any sense of permanency or reality anyway. I still wake reaching out for or trying to roll into or snuggle into women who are not there. Like ghosts. For each time I think youve been laid to rest, a new emotion brought upon by a new person, after it is lost; digs it all up again, with yet one more in attendance.
There is always hope so they say. If only this bed wasn't memory foam A years worth of impression is not done in by 2 years worth of emptiness, I still roll over and sink into the past, and it feels empty still even today.
Im not sure the word rest quite qualifies. Moments of physical activity in lull, thought out but not to be accomplished in that time of closed eyes, not in any sense of permanency or reality anyway. I still wake reaching out for or trying to roll into or snuggle into women who are not there. Like ghosts. For each time I think youve been laid to rest, a new emotion brought upon by a new person, after it is lost; digs it all up again, with yet one more in attendance.
There is always hope so they say. If only this bed wasn't memory foam A years worth of impression is not done in by 2 years worth of emptiness, I still roll over and sink into the past, and it feels empty still even today.
Yet another fresh start
So I have gone the way of posting a profile on an internet dating site. Seeing as how I have not the time to go about a nightlife seeking companionship and work is the last place I need place any hope in meeting a genuine person without motive or intentions contrary to what I need, It seems my only choice.
I realize appearance is again of equal importance to that of personality, at least, in as much of personality as can be personified in a personal. I know what I am attracted to in both forms. While I seem open to personality in a wide range, I seek a physical persona closely relating to my own. I do not see shame in this, I simply seek a physical persona closely relating to my own.
I was close to a relationship with a woman whom did not meet what I would normally consider inside my physical desires. She was beautiful regardless, just never lost the weight associated with having a child. Her personality more than made up for it. At least at the stage we were at. I always carried the dread that should we get to a more physical stage her weight would be a turn off and that would slowly eat at me. I have been in that position before.
My ex fiance was 9 years my elder. While at 18 she looked like Kate Winslette in titanic, at 35 with a 16 y/o daughter, she was no less then 35 ibs heavier then I at least and 4 inches shorter. what a beauty mark then was now a mole on the face. Simple things turned attention that lead to, resent. I worry what ill be like at an older age. If i cant now see attraction in the physical forms of some, will that change when im 40. Will I be then attracted to what was then a beautiful body at 21 but is now 40 like myself..
This is a worry I hopefully need not deal with at the moment, I still question it. I am sure I am best seeking one such as myself, my age or younger yet as mature in most ways as I am for my age or as I was at that age. I want a friend that is there for me in every way I am there for as a friend, that wants more, someone to share a bed with, someone who wants romance, wants satisfaction with a partner, wants to embrace the simple joys in life and a relationship, that could bloom into a lifelong union of souls.
I realize appearance is again of equal importance to that of personality, at least, in as much of personality as can be personified in a personal. I know what I am attracted to in both forms. While I seem open to personality in a wide range, I seek a physical persona closely relating to my own. I do not see shame in this, I simply seek a physical persona closely relating to my own.
I was close to a relationship with a woman whom did not meet what I would normally consider inside my physical desires. She was beautiful regardless, just never lost the weight associated with having a child. Her personality more than made up for it. At least at the stage we were at. I always carried the dread that should we get to a more physical stage her weight would be a turn off and that would slowly eat at me. I have been in that position before.
My ex fiance was 9 years my elder. While at 18 she looked like Kate Winslette in titanic, at 35 with a 16 y/o daughter, she was no less then 35 ibs heavier then I at least and 4 inches shorter. what a beauty mark then was now a mole on the face. Simple things turned attention that lead to, resent. I worry what ill be like at an older age. If i cant now see attraction in the physical forms of some, will that change when im 40. Will I be then attracted to what was then a beautiful body at 21 but is now 40 like myself..
This is a worry I hopefully need not deal with at the moment, I still question it. I am sure I am best seeking one such as myself, my age or younger yet as mature in most ways as I am for my age or as I was at that age. I want a friend that is there for me in every way I am there for as a friend, that wants more, someone to share a bed with, someone who wants romance, wants satisfaction with a partner, wants to embrace the simple joys in life and a relationship, that could bloom into a lifelong union of souls.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
End of Another Chapter
So closure has been reached, so far as it can be. Questions always arise beyond that which were originally sought. Solace must be attained in what was answered and not that which is now known to be unkown.
I now know what we had was on the one hand brought down by rumors by people who's pathetic lives gives them little alternatives but to meddle in the affairs of others in order to bring people down to their level of pain in order to share misery and the ugliness they see in the mirror. In the other hand it is weakness and insecurity that leads to her questioning the truth and the choice to let the weaker people win by failing to trust in me.
I am now just considered a co-worker. I am not a friend, not someone to hold on tightly to be a shoulder to cry on. I am not the one whom was asked to stop by on my way to work just to kiss in the snow. I am just a shell of a human being interested in only my own unknown, untrustworthy selfish desires- A co-worker. It is so insulting.
I am sickened at the very thought of it. she would take the word of an acquaintance at work over my own. They say that I told them i have a girlfriend and dont want my actions at work and otherwise to be known to her. Considering I haven't uttered a single word of anything regarding my personal life since months before i started talking to this woman, save for once mentioning i was seeing someone in order to get someone to stop joking that i should start seeing this troll of a woman soon to be divorced. How does that turn into i have a woman and am playing the field and dont want that to get back to my girlfriend, yet this person that told her that felt compelled to run up to her and tell her this when they should have no idea that her and i are even involved in anyway outside of work... It smells like foul play to me. It has nothing to do with what i have said. its either keen observation and total assumption at play, or its her own best friend, the one person she has told anything to has run her mouth about it. its on her, not me.
Its funny and a sad fact of life. How many serial killers have been upstanding staples of their communities, never even suspected by their wives or husbands as being anything but normal loving types. Then the evidence piles up and its proven they have murdered 20+ people.. Can anyone ever be 100% trusted, you think you know them, you spend 20+ years with them and never see it. Blind faith and trust is the only answer, till your proven wrong. She has been given no proof, just heresy by people who should have no clue. she says she doesnt truly know me. I suppose in the way the world works she never will, just as nobody ever will. So it means she inst willing to trust me. The one person that has ever shown her the level of respect she deserves, broken down barriers she thought would never be broken again, all inside a few hours. If that isnt enough, then there is nothing left to be said about it.
I now know what we had was on the one hand brought down by rumors by people who's pathetic lives gives them little alternatives but to meddle in the affairs of others in order to bring people down to their level of pain in order to share misery and the ugliness they see in the mirror. In the other hand it is weakness and insecurity that leads to her questioning the truth and the choice to let the weaker people win by failing to trust in me.
I am now just considered a co-worker. I am not a friend, not someone to hold on tightly to be a shoulder to cry on. I am not the one whom was asked to stop by on my way to work just to kiss in the snow. I am just a shell of a human being interested in only my own unknown, untrustworthy selfish desires- A co-worker. It is so insulting.
I am sickened at the very thought of it. she would take the word of an acquaintance at work over my own. They say that I told them i have a girlfriend and dont want my actions at work and otherwise to be known to her. Considering I haven't uttered a single word of anything regarding my personal life since months before i started talking to this woman, save for once mentioning i was seeing someone in order to get someone to stop joking that i should start seeing this troll of a woman soon to be divorced. How does that turn into i have a woman and am playing the field and dont want that to get back to my girlfriend, yet this person that told her that felt compelled to run up to her and tell her this when they should have no idea that her and i are even involved in anyway outside of work... It smells like foul play to me. It has nothing to do with what i have said. its either keen observation and total assumption at play, or its her own best friend, the one person she has told anything to has run her mouth about it. its on her, not me.
Its funny and a sad fact of life. How many serial killers have been upstanding staples of their communities, never even suspected by their wives or husbands as being anything but normal loving types. Then the evidence piles up and its proven they have murdered 20+ people.. Can anyone ever be 100% trusted, you think you know them, you spend 20+ years with them and never see it. Blind faith and trust is the only answer, till your proven wrong. She has been given no proof, just heresy by people who should have no clue. she says she doesnt truly know me. I suppose in the way the world works she never will, just as nobody ever will. So it means she inst willing to trust me. The one person that has ever shown her the level of respect she deserves, broken down barriers she thought would never be broken again, all inside a few hours. If that isnt enough, then there is nothing left to be said about it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Fight
A conflict battles within the ever expanding yet repetitive confines of my personal experience. The stench fills my subconscious, spilling over into reality;.Deja vu. I have walked this path before, wept as the dream ended, screamed as the nightmare began, and thanked a man I believe in not; when I was sure I was awake again.
It is now clear to me I have not done my intelligence justice. Learning not from the mistakes of the past. It is ever more clear the lack of the learning to be had as I consider the opportunities of the past to be mistakes. Here I lay in a pool of sorrow that spills from an old wound reopened anew in my soul. The conflict inside continues in a death-match between the heart and mind.
The heart still yearns for what it had barely tasted, remembering the sweet indulgence and it ripened once again, reaching maturity in a flutter of a beat. It is not designed for thought but only feeling. The mind knows better then to allow the heart to make decisions. It gives life to the mind and when it wakes from the hibernation forced by a long winter without nourishment, It must flex its muscle and let the mind know who really holds the winning hand.
My heart fights to be let free to chase the very thing that makes the constant work worth the effort.
My mind fights to put the heart in its place, to protect it from a world of hurt. Its an act of self preservation.
My being must collect the input of both parties and make either a mutually beneficial decision or choose one side or the other, bearing the wrath of the losing party.
I cloud the minds judgment with a liquid that thins the blood and lets the heart beat with less resistance. The feelings flow freely and I can hardly contain it. I make the choice freely yet the grip of the mind is strong. Thus far the mind wins as I have been strong and made the choice not to call out to her, not to post a suggestive horoscope in response to hers. Time shall reveal if the mind succeeded in protecting the heart from pain or held to tightly to principle hurting the heart by restraining it.
It is now clear to me I have not done my intelligence justice. Learning not from the mistakes of the past. It is ever more clear the lack of the learning to be had as I consider the opportunities of the past to be mistakes. Here I lay in a pool of sorrow that spills from an old wound reopened anew in my soul. The conflict inside continues in a death-match between the heart and mind.
The heart still yearns for what it had barely tasted, remembering the sweet indulgence and it ripened once again, reaching maturity in a flutter of a beat. It is not designed for thought but only feeling. The mind knows better then to allow the heart to make decisions. It gives life to the mind and when it wakes from the hibernation forced by a long winter without nourishment, It must flex its muscle and let the mind know who really holds the winning hand.
My heart fights to be let free to chase the very thing that makes the constant work worth the effort.
My mind fights to put the heart in its place, to protect it from a world of hurt. Its an act of self preservation.
My being must collect the input of both parties and make either a mutually beneficial decision or choose one side or the other, bearing the wrath of the losing party.
I cloud the minds judgment with a liquid that thins the blood and lets the heart beat with less resistance. The feelings flow freely and I can hardly contain it. I make the choice freely yet the grip of the mind is strong. Thus far the mind wins as I have been strong and made the choice not to call out to her, not to post a suggestive horoscope in response to hers. Time shall reveal if the mind succeeded in protecting the heart from pain or held to tightly to principle hurting the heart by restraining it.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Walking Away In Time
I wake this morning before the rising of the sun, lonely in the darkness. A faint hope that as the life giver of the earth breaks that distant horizon it brings with a chance for two lives separated by confusion to find what was lost in darkness and become whole again.
The minutes pass by into hours. She is home but chooses not to reach out. Irony is heavy in the air warmed by that blinding sphere. It is two-faced, giving life but burning my being. My soul is left charred, its dust carried away by the breeze leaving me less whole then when I began this journey.
I know now that it has always been a series of choices. It is not happenstance nor fate. It is not coincidence nor destiny. It is not random nor karma. It is choice. My attempts to influence the outcome by being the kind of friend I myself seek have been marked with defeat. I have reached out a warming hand of comfort toward a cold back only to have it bitten by the frost that follows. I have poured out my heart only to watch the contents not be held up for all they are but be let to fall to the ground staining the very earth they blanket the surface of.
The doubt continues to drain me like a plague of depletion. The void left fills with more doubt and I feel as if i'm in quicksand. Should I struggle anymore I could be the hand in my own demise. Should I wait for a hand that does not come will I have died from shame.
I want to reach out one last time proving to myself I tried with all I had. Though in the end I know it would only prove to display the weakness inside of me for her to see. I have empowered her enough chasing a ghost of a relationship that was never truly there. Her ego now that of what mine used to be back in a time where I held her up as someone I was not worthy of yet had nevertheless.
I know my heart has not moved on yet and will turn around from time to time looking back. Perhaps she will try to grab hold of it again and tug at the strings once more. There will be no melody played through the plucking now, only a chaos of unrecognizable chords. I am walking away now. In time my heart will follow.
The minutes pass by into hours. She is home but chooses not to reach out. Irony is heavy in the air warmed by that blinding sphere. It is two-faced, giving life but burning my being. My soul is left charred, its dust carried away by the breeze leaving me less whole then when I began this journey.
I know now that it has always been a series of choices. It is not happenstance nor fate. It is not coincidence nor destiny. It is not random nor karma. It is choice. My attempts to influence the outcome by being the kind of friend I myself seek have been marked with defeat. I have reached out a warming hand of comfort toward a cold back only to have it bitten by the frost that follows. I have poured out my heart only to watch the contents not be held up for all they are but be let to fall to the ground staining the very earth they blanket the surface of.
The doubt continues to drain me like a plague of depletion. The void left fills with more doubt and I feel as if i'm in quicksand. Should I struggle anymore I could be the hand in my own demise. Should I wait for a hand that does not come will I have died from shame.
I want to reach out one last time proving to myself I tried with all I had. Though in the end I know it would only prove to display the weakness inside of me for her to see. I have empowered her enough chasing a ghost of a relationship that was never truly there. Her ego now that of what mine used to be back in a time where I held her up as someone I was not worthy of yet had nevertheless.
I know my heart has not moved on yet and will turn around from time to time looking back. Perhaps she will try to grab hold of it again and tug at the strings once more. There will be no melody played through the plucking now, only a chaos of unrecognizable chords. I am walking away now. In time my heart will follow.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A reason to smile each day, comes hand in hand with a reason why I frown. It is a welcome moment to lose myself in thoughts of things i want. To imagine possibilities that would bring a light to this life of darkness. I even catch myself feeling as if I will achieve these desires.
That is where the smile turns. Reality is as cold as a snow covered mountain sheered by brutal winds. They whip and lash me back to a past that makes me helpless but to know it's the present i live as well. One of waking from a dream where there is a bright beacon of a woman beside me and as i reach out, i grasp hold of nothing, only to open my eyes to find I am reaching out to the empty side of the bed, staring at a blank wall.
It is a nightmare that consumes me once I wake. Will hope prevail and carry me into the future, to a point where stars align and the timing is right, to find what i seek, or it it just a double edged sword i walk hilt to tip, the farther I tread the deeper i'm cut.
That is where the smile turns. Reality is as cold as a snow covered mountain sheered by brutal winds. They whip and lash me back to a past that makes me helpless but to know it's the present i live as well. One of waking from a dream where there is a bright beacon of a woman beside me and as i reach out, i grasp hold of nothing, only to open my eyes to find I am reaching out to the empty side of the bed, staring at a blank wall.
It is a nightmare that consumes me once I wake. Will hope prevail and carry me into the future, to a point where stars align and the timing is right, to find what i seek, or it it just a double edged sword i walk hilt to tip, the farther I tread the deeper i'm cut.
Friday, March 11, 2011
A Toast
Ive always wanted to record the details of a relationship, to remember it all, in written form, to account for bad memory. It would be fantastic to have the best moments written down to so they can be recalled word for word, milestones, walls broken down. Great feelings and experiences. To be able to call back on it vividly as i knew it in the moment would make for a great toast at a wedding should all progress to such.
February 18th 2011. We spent time outside of work for the first time. Watched 2 movies and had a great time. some inside jokes created over office space and the movie Belly.. now she cant help but refer to me as Micheal Bolton.. as much as it drives me nuts i love it still. While massaging her neck, which under normal circumstances would be against her boundaries due to, a past i wont divulge, i got past that emotional wall of hers due to a gentle healing touch that conveyed comfort to her. I held her hand for some time afterward, between her funny looks toward me over this, and laughing as we cant help but do ANYTIME we are together, I got some warmth, feeling and a strong enough understanding as to how beautiful a person she is in every way that a person can be.
Once I got home I told her as much over the phone. Verbatim isn't possible now, but closely as follows. I feel, you are truly a beautiful person in all ways one can be beautiful. You've had a hard time of life yet regret nothing-knowing it makes you stronger. You put your daughter before yourself to give her a life and love you've never had. While it may be hard to believe, as you've never been told it before and don't see it yourself, You are indeed that which I see in you. I ask for only the chance for us, and the time to prove it to you.
She said yes
February 19 2011. I guilt tripped her to coming over to my place (not really) this time, so she could repay the massage... I was hurting from a 12 hour shift. I made her breakfast. I turned to jello under the effect of her hands on me during the message. I wasn't over come with emotional transference this time either. No pain or suffering. I don't know if this is because she hides it as well as I did in the past. I have honestly succeeded in channeling my whole past experiences of pain and suffering of myself and others into a positive sense of self assurance and attitude. I have nothing to show her but calm, gentle warmth and love of life. She met my mom, the pit bull, and the kittens. all is good. She wants to steal/adopt the pit with consent, or at least breed it for pups. She gets along with mom, basically cause she gave me crap in front of her and mom eats that up. whatever puts her son in his place :)
February 20th.. she had this whole weekend off. I however had none of it off, but after work she invited me over, a 3am text I got at 6am as leaving work. Come on over, doors unlocked, if I'm sleeping wake me up. To find her in bed, waking her gently. Laying there talking quietly with her, holding her hand while in too gentle a state to laugh or be silly.. I really got a feel for her without distraction. We mirror each other in one greatness. A greatness that starts in both our souls and transfers, only making it better. My hands cold from the drive in a freezing car to her place, chilling and soothing the skin of her arm at first, then holding hands while she is still half asleep and comfortable. She is at ease with me and pulls my hand across her belly holding it close. Caressing her arm with my other hand, emotions get the best of us both, she shares with me the feeling and I my own with her through touch, unspoken but felt by both. Eventually I change positions while laying aside her in bed though on top the comforter. I run my hand ever so gently through her hair, and across her cheeks. Tracing her jaw line with my finger tips. leading up to her ear, pushing her hair behind the ear. Leaning my nose to her cheek, her lips fluttered.
As I continue I notice her wetting her lips. I cannot help but brush my own against her temple and then cheek. She continues the subconscious actions preparing for what seems inevitable. I delay it further, wanting to be sure I am not pushing to fast. Then we kiss for the first and certainly not the last time. Tender and warm, I can remember no kiss before it now. In the time that follows we become as comfortable with each other as two can be. I asked her to describe that time and feeling in only one word. She chooses Comfortable, something profound for her as she trusts no man until now. I choose perfect... The simple pleasures in life are the most prolific and the most meaningful. While what follows in the future will also be wonderful and special in their own right, laying on the couch watching fish, enjoying each others company, a kiss, a hug, embracing one another like it is the first and last time every time, never wanting to leave each others reach.. These times are wonderful. That night before I left for work, a snow storm had set in and she even went so far as to ask my to stop by just so she could come outside and kiss me in the snow.
February 18th 2011. We spent time outside of work for the first time. Watched 2 movies and had a great time. some inside jokes created over office space and the movie Belly.. now she cant help but refer to me as Micheal Bolton.. as much as it drives me nuts i love it still. While massaging her neck, which under normal circumstances would be against her boundaries due to, a past i wont divulge, i got past that emotional wall of hers due to a gentle healing touch that conveyed comfort to her. I held her hand for some time afterward, between her funny looks toward me over this, and laughing as we cant help but do ANYTIME we are together, I got some warmth, feeling and a strong enough understanding as to how beautiful a person she is in every way that a person can be.
Once I got home I told her as much over the phone. Verbatim isn't possible now, but closely as follows. I feel, you are truly a beautiful person in all ways one can be beautiful. You've had a hard time of life yet regret nothing-knowing it makes you stronger. You put your daughter before yourself to give her a life and love you've never had. While it may be hard to believe, as you've never been told it before and don't see it yourself, You are indeed that which I see in you. I ask for only the chance for us, and the time to prove it to you.
She said yes
February 19 2011. I guilt tripped her to coming over to my place (not really) this time, so she could repay the massage... I was hurting from a 12 hour shift. I made her breakfast. I turned to jello under the effect of her hands on me during the message. I wasn't over come with emotional transference this time either. No pain or suffering. I don't know if this is because she hides it as well as I did in the past. I have honestly succeeded in channeling my whole past experiences of pain and suffering of myself and others into a positive sense of self assurance and attitude. I have nothing to show her but calm, gentle warmth and love of life. She met my mom, the pit bull, and the kittens. all is good. She wants to steal/adopt the pit with consent, or at least breed it for pups. She gets along with mom, basically cause she gave me crap in front of her and mom eats that up. whatever puts her son in his place :)
February 20th.. she had this whole weekend off. I however had none of it off, but after work she invited me over, a 3am text I got at 6am as leaving work. Come on over, doors unlocked, if I'm sleeping wake me up. To find her in bed, waking her gently. Laying there talking quietly with her, holding her hand while in too gentle a state to laugh or be silly.. I really got a feel for her without distraction. We mirror each other in one greatness. A greatness that starts in both our souls and transfers, only making it better. My hands cold from the drive in a freezing car to her place, chilling and soothing the skin of her arm at first, then holding hands while she is still half asleep and comfortable. She is at ease with me and pulls my hand across her belly holding it close. Caressing her arm with my other hand, emotions get the best of us both, she shares with me the feeling and I my own with her through touch, unspoken but felt by both. Eventually I change positions while laying aside her in bed though on top the comforter. I run my hand ever so gently through her hair, and across her cheeks. Tracing her jaw line with my finger tips. leading up to her ear, pushing her hair behind the ear. Leaning my nose to her cheek, her lips fluttered.
As I continue I notice her wetting her lips. I cannot help but brush my own against her temple and then cheek. She continues the subconscious actions preparing for what seems inevitable. I delay it further, wanting to be sure I am not pushing to fast. Then we kiss for the first and certainly not the last time. Tender and warm, I can remember no kiss before it now. In the time that follows we become as comfortable with each other as two can be. I asked her to describe that time and feeling in only one word. She chooses Comfortable, something profound for her as she trusts no man until now. I choose perfect... The simple pleasures in life are the most prolific and the most meaningful. While what follows in the future will also be wonderful and special in their own right, laying on the couch watching fish, enjoying each others company, a kiss, a hug, embracing one another like it is the first and last time every time, never wanting to leave each others reach.. These times are wonderful. That night before I left for work, a snow storm had set in and she even went so far as to ask my to stop by just so she could come outside and kiss me in the snow.
Some more backround
Well in my prior entry I addressed the Empath portion of my posting handle. The Hopeless Romantic part is the other driving factor in my life and my choices. It has proven to this point to be a bad combination of traits to posses. I love and cherish the idea of love as well being in love, loving a woman, and being loved by one as well. From the age of 16 and beyond, approaching 12 years now, I have experienced and tasted love a few times and could never get enough. It has brought the greatest highs and lows I have known. With the great depth of pain after losing love I keep returning for more, trying for more, and seeking it as well.
I feel like a child when it comes to emotions. A fact, while hard to believe taking into consideration what Ive experienced myself in my life and that of the others Ive absorbed and lived through via touch; is very true. When Happiness comes from the feelings experienced as I get to know a woman that I can see myself in a relationship with, It becomes overpowering at a point. I go from being a man with a firm grip on reality, in total control of actions, decisions and words; into a boy that doesn't use logic, strategy, or rational thought. I make bad decisions. This Is typical to a point. I have gottten much better as the years have gone on. I do slip from time to time.
These tendencies towards loss of control and self get worse when it comes to things not going well. A relationship stalling because of confusion, a misunderstanding, or one person coming on to strong brings out the worst in me. It tends to put me into a tail spin and recovering before too much damage is done is tough. I know a lot of that spurs from insecurity. Almost 2 months ago I got caught up in an emotional storm. I broke it off with my ex fiance, who was going to move to this state with me, so she went back to Cali and I came out here with other family of mine for a fresh start. Ive since dated nor had any real relations with a woman.
So 2 months ago after knowing this girl at work for a while prior, I decided enough was enough. I knew it had been a while for me and her being 7 years younger then I it was possible I was reading the sings wrong. I convinced myself she was into me and defiantly flirting. So for the first time in my life I flat out walked up to her and asked her out to breakfast. She blushed heavily and held eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, paused and gave a reason she couldn't that morning. Long story short I kept on her about it gently here and there over a few days, joking about it in a fun way. Eventually she casually asked if i had tonight off from work ( we work 3rd shift) we both had it off. being a saturday morning, she didn't have her normal weekday responsibilities so she asked if I wanted to go for breakfast after work. We got along great, She really pushed all my buttons physically and in other aspects as well. In the end she wasnt prepared or looking for a long term relationship and a one sided friendship started shortly there after. She basically flaked out like a teenage/early 20's girl can. If i didnt call or text then I wouldn't hear from her. So I stopped bothering and went into one of those downward spirals.
I snapped out of it quickly enough and channeled all those negative energies into a new positive persona. I knew what I wanted and I had tasted the good stuff that a relationship can offer after getting all charged up on what seemed possible for a short while with her. I Knew I wouldn't achieve this being insecure or unsure of who I was, what good personality traits I was capable of having and projecting. So I made a goal and I achieved it. I was bigger then life, sure of myself in a way I have never known, slightly cocky but in a Maverick from Top Gun kind of way. It worked too. For the better part of a month I was the happiest I can recall in years. And while at work, around this one other woman.. I was just giddy, silly, all smiles and luaghing. Anyone around the 2 of us just couldn't help from having a good time too. I had everyone laughing, along with us with our banter and poking fun at each other whilet oozing that charming yet cocky state of mind and over powering sexual innuendo that I can spin off pretty much anything anyone says.
Ill go into more detail with the two of us next post. I do not wish to make most posts into books onto themselves. Its hard with the way i can just spew words. I figure it was un avoidable to a point with these two but yeah.
I feel like a child when it comes to emotions. A fact, while hard to believe taking into consideration what Ive experienced myself in my life and that of the others Ive absorbed and lived through via touch; is very true. When Happiness comes from the feelings experienced as I get to know a woman that I can see myself in a relationship with, It becomes overpowering at a point. I go from being a man with a firm grip on reality, in total control of actions, decisions and words; into a boy that doesn't use logic, strategy, or rational thought. I make bad decisions. This Is typical to a point. I have gottten much better as the years have gone on. I do slip from time to time.
These tendencies towards loss of control and self get worse when it comes to things not going well. A relationship stalling because of confusion, a misunderstanding, or one person coming on to strong brings out the worst in me. It tends to put me into a tail spin and recovering before too much damage is done is tough. I know a lot of that spurs from insecurity. Almost 2 months ago I got caught up in an emotional storm. I broke it off with my ex fiance, who was going to move to this state with me, so she went back to Cali and I came out here with other family of mine for a fresh start. Ive since dated nor had any real relations with a woman.
So 2 months ago after knowing this girl at work for a while prior, I decided enough was enough. I knew it had been a while for me and her being 7 years younger then I it was possible I was reading the sings wrong. I convinced myself she was into me and defiantly flirting. So for the first time in my life I flat out walked up to her and asked her out to breakfast. She blushed heavily and held eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, paused and gave a reason she couldn't that morning. Long story short I kept on her about it gently here and there over a few days, joking about it in a fun way. Eventually she casually asked if i had tonight off from work ( we work 3rd shift) we both had it off. being a saturday morning, she didn't have her normal weekday responsibilities so she asked if I wanted to go for breakfast after work. We got along great, She really pushed all my buttons physically and in other aspects as well. In the end she wasnt prepared or looking for a long term relationship and a one sided friendship started shortly there after. She basically flaked out like a teenage/early 20's girl can. If i didnt call or text then I wouldn't hear from her. So I stopped bothering and went into one of those downward spirals.
I snapped out of it quickly enough and channeled all those negative energies into a new positive persona. I knew what I wanted and I had tasted the good stuff that a relationship can offer after getting all charged up on what seemed possible for a short while with her. I Knew I wouldn't achieve this being insecure or unsure of who I was, what good personality traits I was capable of having and projecting. So I made a goal and I achieved it. I was bigger then life, sure of myself in a way I have never known, slightly cocky but in a Maverick from Top Gun kind of way. It worked too. For the better part of a month I was the happiest I can recall in years. And while at work, around this one other woman.. I was just giddy, silly, all smiles and luaghing. Anyone around the 2 of us just couldn't help from having a good time too. I had everyone laughing, along with us with our banter and poking fun at each other whilet oozing that charming yet cocky state of mind and over powering sexual innuendo that I can spin off pretty much anything anyone says.
Ill go into more detail with the two of us next post. I do not wish to make most posts into books onto themselves. Its hard with the way i can just spew words. I figure it was un avoidable to a point with these two but yeah.
Who am I
It is best to get the big details down right away. I am in my late 20's, male, and living in Wisconsin. Ive been here just shy of 2 years and I was born and lived in New England. I'm open minded and not prejudice. I am empathic and that influences my life a great deal. It has shaped how I feel and act in social interactions and actively influences my choices in life. It has felt like a curse more often then a blessing.
For those unaware of the difference in someone feeling empathy for someone else and being empathic I will briefly explain. The be empathetic to someone else s feelings or situation for most people means you understand what they are feeling or experiencing due to your own experience of similar emotions or happenings. To be empathic is to feel their emotions as they feel them, whether you interpret them the same, give those emotions the same name or not, you feel what they feel. Its works differently for different people. Some feel others emotions from just being around them, some through touch, and others only when in emotionally heightened circumstances.
Personally it depends on those i'm around. Most of the time I can control it, block it out, or I can open up to it. With some people that are depressed, or angry, or mean spirited/evil I pick up on it very easily, as with those in pain, just by being in the same room. I cant help but feel as if it brings me down, so i become quiet and withdrawn. Others such as those who are happy, easy going, goofy and playful; I cannot help but be silly and talkative, with a embarrassingly stupid smile on my face. These kinds of people bring out the best in me.
When it comes to touch, this is where differs from something that could be just a heightened perception of people and that of being truly empathic. When I touch or am touched by someone, a link tends to be made, and it varies in strength depending on the individual. When it comes to those outgoing open minded people who are emotional beings in tune with themselves, it tends to be quite strong. A few times ive experienced almost a their full lifetimes worth of feelings, both good and bad, in waves over 10's of seconds to minutes. This can happen as a flowing path or in mixed surges where it is hard to distinguish individual emotions from one another. I've experienced very painful lives as if i lived them as well. I still know that pain and I carry it as a burden to this day.
I hope this sheds some light on who I am and where my point of view comes from, and why I make the choices that I do.
For those unaware of the difference in someone feeling empathy for someone else and being empathic I will briefly explain. The be empathetic to someone else s feelings or situation for most people means you understand what they are feeling or experiencing due to your own experience of similar emotions or happenings. To be empathic is to feel their emotions as they feel them, whether you interpret them the same, give those emotions the same name or not, you feel what they feel. Its works differently for different people. Some feel others emotions from just being around them, some through touch, and others only when in emotionally heightened circumstances.
Personally it depends on those i'm around. Most of the time I can control it, block it out, or I can open up to it. With some people that are depressed, or angry, or mean spirited/evil I pick up on it very easily, as with those in pain, just by being in the same room. I cant help but feel as if it brings me down, so i become quiet and withdrawn. Others such as those who are happy, easy going, goofy and playful; I cannot help but be silly and talkative, with a embarrassingly stupid smile on my face. These kinds of people bring out the best in me.
When it comes to touch, this is where differs from something that could be just a heightened perception of people and that of being truly empathic. When I touch or am touched by someone, a link tends to be made, and it varies in strength depending on the individual. When it comes to those outgoing open minded people who are emotional beings in tune with themselves, it tends to be quite strong. A few times ive experienced almost a their full lifetimes worth of feelings, both good and bad, in waves over 10's of seconds to minutes. This can happen as a flowing path or in mixed surges where it is hard to distinguish individual emotions from one another. I've experienced very painful lives as if i lived them as well. I still know that pain and I carry it as a burden to this day.
I hope this sheds some light on who I am and where my point of view comes from, and why I make the choices that I do.
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