Walking Away In Time

I wake this morning before the rising of the sun, lonely in the darkness. A faint hope that as the life giver of the earth breaks that distant horizon it brings with a chance for two lives separated by confusion to find what was lost in darkness and become whole again.

The minutes pass by into hours. She is home but chooses not to reach out. Irony is heavy in the air warmed by that blinding sphere. It is two-faced, giving life but burning my being. My soul is left charred, its dust carried away by the breeze leaving me less whole then when I began this journey.

I know now that it has always been a series of choices. It is not happenstance nor fate. It is not coincidence nor destiny. It is not random nor karma. It is choice. My attempts to influence the outcome by being the kind of friend I myself seek have been marked with defeat. I have reached out a warming hand of comfort toward a cold back only to have it bitten by the frost that follows. I have poured out my heart only to watch the contents not be held up for all they are but be let to fall to the ground staining the very earth they blanket the surface of.

The doubt continues to drain me like a plague of depletion. The void left fills with more doubt and I feel as if i'm in quicksand. Should I struggle anymore I could be the hand in my own demise. Should I wait for a hand that does not come will I have died from shame.

I want to reach out one last time proving to myself I tried with all I had. Though in the end I know it would only prove to display the weakness inside of me for her to see. I have empowered her enough chasing a ghost of a relationship that was never truly there. Her ego now that of what mine used to be back in a time where I held her up as someone I was not worthy of yet had nevertheless.

I know my heart has not moved on yet and will turn around from time to time looking back. Perhaps she will try to grab hold of it again and tug at the strings once more. There will be no melody played through the plucking now, only a chaos of unrecognizable chords. I am walking away now. In time my heart will follow.