A conflict battles within the ever expanding yet repetitive confines of my personal experience. The stench fills my subconscious, spilling over into reality;.Deja vu. I have walked this path before, wept as the dream ended, screamed as the nightmare began, and thanked a man I believe in not; when I was sure I was awake again.
It is now clear to me I have not done my intelligence justice. Learning not from the mistakes of the past. It is ever more clear the lack of the learning to be had as I consider the opportunities of the past to be mistakes. Here I lay in a pool of sorrow that spills from an old wound reopened anew in my soul. The conflict inside continues in a death-match between the heart and mind.
The heart still yearns for what it had barely tasted, remembering the sweet indulgence and it ripened once again, reaching maturity in a flutter of a beat. It is not designed for thought but only feeling. The mind knows better then to allow the heart to make decisions. It gives life to the mind and when it wakes from the hibernation forced by a long winter without nourishment, It must flex its muscle and let the mind know who really holds the winning hand.
My heart fights to be let free to chase the very thing that makes the constant work worth the effort.
My mind fights to put the heart in its place, to protect it from a world of hurt. Its an act of self preservation.
My being must collect the input of both parties and make either a mutually beneficial decision or choose one side or the other, bearing the wrath of the losing party.
I cloud the minds judgment with a liquid that thins the blood and lets the heart beat with less resistance. The feelings flow freely and I can hardly contain it. I make the choice freely yet the grip of the mind is strong. Thus far the mind wins as I have been strong and made the choice not to call out to her, not to post a suggestive horoscope in response to hers. Time shall reveal if the mind succeeded in protecting the heart from pain or held to tightly to principle hurting the heart by restraining it.
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