Ive always wanted to record the details of a relationship, to remember it all, in written form, to account for bad memory. It would be fantastic to have the best moments written down to so they can be recalled word for word, milestones, walls broken down. Great feelings and experiences. To be able to call back on it vividly as i knew it in the moment would make for a great toast at a wedding should all progress to such.
February 18th 2011. We spent time outside of work for the first time. Watched 2 movies and had a great time. some inside jokes created over office space and the movie Belly.. now she cant help but refer to me as Micheal Bolton.. as much as it drives me nuts i love it still. While massaging her neck, which under normal circumstances would be against her boundaries due to, a past i wont divulge, i got past that emotional wall of hers due to a gentle healing touch that conveyed comfort to her. I held her hand for some time afterward, between her funny looks toward me over this, and laughing as we cant help but do ANYTIME we are together, I got some warmth, feeling and a strong enough understanding as to how beautiful a person she is in every way that a person can be.
Once I got home I told her as much over the phone. Verbatim isn't possible now, but closely as follows. I feel, you are truly a beautiful person in all ways one can be beautiful. You've had a hard time of life yet regret nothing-knowing it makes you stronger. You put your daughter before yourself to give her a life and love you've never had. While it may be hard to believe, as you've never been told it before and don't see it yourself, You are indeed that which I see in you. I ask for only the chance for us, and the time to prove it to you.
She said yes
February 19 2011. I guilt tripped her to coming over to my place (not really) this time, so she could repay the massage... I was hurting from a 12 hour shift. I made her breakfast. I turned to jello under the effect of her hands on me during the message. I wasn't over come with emotional transference this time either. No pain or suffering. I don't know if this is because she hides it as well as I did in the past. I have honestly succeeded in channeling my whole past experiences of pain and suffering of myself and others into a positive sense of self assurance and attitude. I have nothing to show her but calm, gentle warmth and love of life. She met my mom, the pit bull, and the kittens. all is good. She wants to steal/adopt the pit with consent, or at least breed it for pups. She gets along with mom, basically cause she gave me crap in front of her and mom eats that up. whatever puts her son in his place :)
February 20th.. she had this whole weekend off. I however had none of it off, but after work she invited me over, a 3am text I got at 6am as leaving work. Come on over, doors unlocked, if I'm sleeping wake me up. To find her in bed, waking her gently. Laying there talking quietly with her, holding her hand while in too gentle a state to laugh or be silly.. I really got a feel for her without distraction. We mirror each other in one greatness. A greatness that starts in both our souls and transfers, only making it better. My hands cold from the drive in a freezing car to her place, chilling and soothing the skin of her arm at first, then holding hands while she is still half asleep and comfortable. She is at ease with me and pulls my hand across her belly holding it close. Caressing her arm with my other hand, emotions get the best of us both, she shares with me the feeling and I my own with her through touch, unspoken but felt by both. Eventually I change positions while laying aside her in bed though on top the comforter. I run my hand ever so gently through her hair, and across her cheeks. Tracing her jaw line with my finger tips. leading up to her ear, pushing her hair behind the ear. Leaning my nose to her cheek, her lips fluttered.
As I continue I notice her wetting her lips. I cannot help but brush my own against her temple and then cheek. She continues the subconscious actions preparing for what seems inevitable. I delay it further, wanting to be sure I am not pushing to fast. Then we kiss for the first and certainly not the last time. Tender and warm, I can remember no kiss before it now. In the time that follows we become as comfortable with each other as two can be. I asked her to describe that time and feeling in only one word. She chooses Comfortable, something profound for her as she trusts no man until now. I choose perfect... The simple pleasures in life are the most prolific and the most meaningful. While what follows in the future will also be wonderful and special in their own right, laying on the couch watching fish, enjoying each others company, a kiss, a hug, embracing one another like it is the first and last time every time, never wanting to leave each others reach.. These times are wonderful. That night before I left for work, a snow storm had set in and she even went so far as to ask my to stop by just so she could come outside and kiss me in the snow.
Showing posts with label Empathy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Empathy. Show all posts
Friday, March 11, 2011
Some more backround
Well in my prior entry I addressed the Empath portion of my posting handle. The Hopeless Romantic part is the other driving factor in my life and my choices. It has proven to this point to be a bad combination of traits to posses. I love and cherish the idea of love as well being in love, loving a woman, and being loved by one as well. From the age of 16 and beyond, approaching 12 years now, I have experienced and tasted love a few times and could never get enough. It has brought the greatest highs and lows I have known. With the great depth of pain after losing love I keep returning for more, trying for more, and seeking it as well.
I feel like a child when it comes to emotions. A fact, while hard to believe taking into consideration what Ive experienced myself in my life and that of the others Ive absorbed and lived through via touch; is very true. When Happiness comes from the feelings experienced as I get to know a woman that I can see myself in a relationship with, It becomes overpowering at a point. I go from being a man with a firm grip on reality, in total control of actions, decisions and words; into a boy that doesn't use logic, strategy, or rational thought. I make bad decisions. This Is typical to a point. I have gottten much better as the years have gone on. I do slip from time to time.
These tendencies towards loss of control and self get worse when it comes to things not going well. A relationship stalling because of confusion, a misunderstanding, or one person coming on to strong brings out the worst in me. It tends to put me into a tail spin and recovering before too much damage is done is tough. I know a lot of that spurs from insecurity. Almost 2 months ago I got caught up in an emotional storm. I broke it off with my ex fiance, who was going to move to this state with me, so she went back to Cali and I came out here with other family of mine for a fresh start. Ive since dated nor had any real relations with a woman.
So 2 months ago after knowing this girl at work for a while prior, I decided enough was enough. I knew it had been a while for me and her being 7 years younger then I it was possible I was reading the sings wrong. I convinced myself she was into me and defiantly flirting. So for the first time in my life I flat out walked up to her and asked her out to breakfast. She blushed heavily and held eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, paused and gave a reason she couldn't that morning. Long story short I kept on her about it gently here and there over a few days, joking about it in a fun way. Eventually she casually asked if i had tonight off from work ( we work 3rd shift) we both had it off. being a saturday morning, she didn't have her normal weekday responsibilities so she asked if I wanted to go for breakfast after work. We got along great, She really pushed all my buttons physically and in other aspects as well. In the end she wasnt prepared or looking for a long term relationship and a one sided friendship started shortly there after. She basically flaked out like a teenage/early 20's girl can. If i didnt call or text then I wouldn't hear from her. So I stopped bothering and went into one of those downward spirals.
I snapped out of it quickly enough and channeled all those negative energies into a new positive persona. I knew what I wanted and I had tasted the good stuff that a relationship can offer after getting all charged up on what seemed possible for a short while with her. I Knew I wouldn't achieve this being insecure or unsure of who I was, what good personality traits I was capable of having and projecting. So I made a goal and I achieved it. I was bigger then life, sure of myself in a way I have never known, slightly cocky but in a Maverick from Top Gun kind of way. It worked too. For the better part of a month I was the happiest I can recall in years. And while at work, around this one other woman.. I was just giddy, silly, all smiles and luaghing. Anyone around the 2 of us just couldn't help from having a good time too. I had everyone laughing, along with us with our banter and poking fun at each other whilet oozing that charming yet cocky state of mind and over powering sexual innuendo that I can spin off pretty much anything anyone says.
Ill go into more detail with the two of us next post. I do not wish to make most posts into books onto themselves. Its hard with the way i can just spew words. I figure it was un avoidable to a point with these two but yeah.
I feel like a child when it comes to emotions. A fact, while hard to believe taking into consideration what Ive experienced myself in my life and that of the others Ive absorbed and lived through via touch; is very true. When Happiness comes from the feelings experienced as I get to know a woman that I can see myself in a relationship with, It becomes overpowering at a point. I go from being a man with a firm grip on reality, in total control of actions, decisions and words; into a boy that doesn't use logic, strategy, or rational thought. I make bad decisions. This Is typical to a point. I have gottten much better as the years have gone on. I do slip from time to time.
These tendencies towards loss of control and self get worse when it comes to things not going well. A relationship stalling because of confusion, a misunderstanding, or one person coming on to strong brings out the worst in me. It tends to put me into a tail spin and recovering before too much damage is done is tough. I know a lot of that spurs from insecurity. Almost 2 months ago I got caught up in an emotional storm. I broke it off with my ex fiance, who was going to move to this state with me, so she went back to Cali and I came out here with other family of mine for a fresh start. Ive since dated nor had any real relations with a woman.
So 2 months ago after knowing this girl at work for a while prior, I decided enough was enough. I knew it had been a while for me and her being 7 years younger then I it was possible I was reading the sings wrong. I convinced myself she was into me and defiantly flirting. So for the first time in my life I flat out walked up to her and asked her out to breakfast. She blushed heavily and held eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, paused and gave a reason she couldn't that morning. Long story short I kept on her about it gently here and there over a few days, joking about it in a fun way. Eventually she casually asked if i had tonight off from work ( we work 3rd shift) we both had it off. being a saturday morning, she didn't have her normal weekday responsibilities so she asked if I wanted to go for breakfast after work. We got along great, She really pushed all my buttons physically and in other aspects as well. In the end she wasnt prepared or looking for a long term relationship and a one sided friendship started shortly there after. She basically flaked out like a teenage/early 20's girl can. If i didnt call or text then I wouldn't hear from her. So I stopped bothering and went into one of those downward spirals.
I snapped out of it quickly enough and channeled all those negative energies into a new positive persona. I knew what I wanted and I had tasted the good stuff that a relationship can offer after getting all charged up on what seemed possible for a short while with her. I Knew I wouldn't achieve this being insecure or unsure of who I was, what good personality traits I was capable of having and projecting. So I made a goal and I achieved it. I was bigger then life, sure of myself in a way I have never known, slightly cocky but in a Maverick from Top Gun kind of way. It worked too. For the better part of a month I was the happiest I can recall in years. And while at work, around this one other woman.. I was just giddy, silly, all smiles and luaghing. Anyone around the 2 of us just couldn't help from having a good time too. I had everyone laughing, along with us with our banter and poking fun at each other whilet oozing that charming yet cocky state of mind and over powering sexual innuendo that I can spin off pretty much anything anyone says.
Ill go into more detail with the two of us next post. I do not wish to make most posts into books onto themselves. Its hard with the way i can just spew words. I figure it was un avoidable to a point with these two but yeah.
Who am I
It is best to get the big details down right away. I am in my late 20's, male, and living in Wisconsin. Ive been here just shy of 2 years and I was born and lived in New England. I'm open minded and not prejudice. I am empathic and that influences my life a great deal. It has shaped how I feel and act in social interactions and actively influences my choices in life. It has felt like a curse more often then a blessing.
For those unaware of the difference in someone feeling empathy for someone else and being empathic I will briefly explain. The be empathetic to someone else s feelings or situation for most people means you understand what they are feeling or experiencing due to your own experience of similar emotions or happenings. To be empathic is to feel their emotions as they feel them, whether you interpret them the same, give those emotions the same name or not, you feel what they feel. Its works differently for different people. Some feel others emotions from just being around them, some through touch, and others only when in emotionally heightened circumstances.
Personally it depends on those i'm around. Most of the time I can control it, block it out, or I can open up to it. With some people that are depressed, or angry, or mean spirited/evil I pick up on it very easily, as with those in pain, just by being in the same room. I cant help but feel as if it brings me down, so i become quiet and withdrawn. Others such as those who are happy, easy going, goofy and playful; I cannot help but be silly and talkative, with a embarrassingly stupid smile on my face. These kinds of people bring out the best in me.
When it comes to touch, this is where differs from something that could be just a heightened perception of people and that of being truly empathic. When I touch or am touched by someone, a link tends to be made, and it varies in strength depending on the individual. When it comes to those outgoing open minded people who are emotional beings in tune with themselves, it tends to be quite strong. A few times ive experienced almost a their full lifetimes worth of feelings, both good and bad, in waves over 10's of seconds to minutes. This can happen as a flowing path or in mixed surges where it is hard to distinguish individual emotions from one another. I've experienced very painful lives as if i lived them as well. I still know that pain and I carry it as a burden to this day.
I hope this sheds some light on who I am and where my point of view comes from, and why I make the choices that I do.
For those unaware of the difference in someone feeling empathy for someone else and being empathic I will briefly explain. The be empathetic to someone else s feelings or situation for most people means you understand what they are feeling or experiencing due to your own experience of similar emotions or happenings. To be empathic is to feel their emotions as they feel them, whether you interpret them the same, give those emotions the same name or not, you feel what they feel. Its works differently for different people. Some feel others emotions from just being around them, some through touch, and others only when in emotionally heightened circumstances.
Personally it depends on those i'm around. Most of the time I can control it, block it out, or I can open up to it. With some people that are depressed, or angry, or mean spirited/evil I pick up on it very easily, as with those in pain, just by being in the same room. I cant help but feel as if it brings me down, so i become quiet and withdrawn. Others such as those who are happy, easy going, goofy and playful; I cannot help but be silly and talkative, with a embarrassingly stupid smile on my face. These kinds of people bring out the best in me.
When it comes to touch, this is where differs from something that could be just a heightened perception of people and that of being truly empathic. When I touch or am touched by someone, a link tends to be made, and it varies in strength depending on the individual. When it comes to those outgoing open minded people who are emotional beings in tune with themselves, it tends to be quite strong. A few times ive experienced almost a their full lifetimes worth of feelings, both good and bad, in waves over 10's of seconds to minutes. This can happen as a flowing path or in mixed surges where it is hard to distinguish individual emotions from one another. I've experienced very painful lives as if i lived them as well. I still know that pain and I carry it as a burden to this day.
I hope this sheds some light on who I am and where my point of view comes from, and why I make the choices that I do.
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