Well in my prior entry I addressed the Empath portion of my posting handle. The Hopeless Romantic part is the other driving factor in my life and my choices. It has proven to this point to be a bad combination of traits to posses. I love and cherish the idea of love as well being in love, loving a woman, and being loved by one as well. From the age of 16 and beyond, approaching 12 years now, I have experienced and tasted love a few times and could never get enough. It has brought the greatest highs and lows I have known. With the great depth of pain after losing love I keep returning for more, trying for more, and seeking it as well.
I feel like a child when it comes to emotions. A fact, while hard to believe taking into consideration what Ive experienced myself in my life and that of the others Ive absorbed and lived through via touch; is very true. When Happiness comes from the feelings experienced as I get to know a woman that I can see myself in a relationship with, It becomes overpowering at a point. I go from being a man with a firm grip on reality, in total control of actions, decisions and words; into a boy that doesn't use logic, strategy, or rational thought. I make bad decisions. This Is typical to a point. I have gottten much better as the years have gone on. I do slip from time to time.
These tendencies towards loss of control and self get worse when it comes to things not going well. A relationship stalling because of confusion, a misunderstanding, or one person coming on to strong brings out the worst in me. It tends to put me into a tail spin and recovering before too much damage is done is tough. I know a lot of that spurs from insecurity. Almost 2 months ago I got caught up in an emotional storm. I broke it off with my ex fiance, who was going to move to this state with me, so she went back to Cali and I came out here with other family of mine for a fresh start. Ive since dated nor had any real relations with a woman.
So 2 months ago after knowing this girl at work for a while prior, I decided enough was enough. I knew it had been a while for me and her being 7 years younger then I it was possible I was reading the sings wrong. I convinced myself she was into me and defiantly flirting. So for the first time in my life I flat out walked up to her and asked her out to breakfast. She blushed heavily and held eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, paused and gave a reason she couldn't that morning. Long story short I kept on her about it gently here and there over a few days, joking about it in a fun way. Eventually she casually asked if i had tonight off from work ( we work 3rd shift) we both had it off. being a saturday morning, she didn't have her normal weekday responsibilities so she asked if I wanted to go for breakfast after work. We got along great, She really pushed all my buttons physically and in other aspects as well. In the end she wasnt prepared or looking for a long term relationship and a one sided friendship started shortly there after. She basically flaked out like a teenage/early 20's girl can. If i didnt call or text then I wouldn't hear from her. So I stopped bothering and went into one of those downward spirals.
I snapped out of it quickly enough and channeled all those negative energies into a new positive persona. I knew what I wanted and I had tasted the good stuff that a relationship can offer after getting all charged up on what seemed possible for a short while with her. I Knew I wouldn't achieve this being insecure or unsure of who I was, what good personality traits I was capable of having and projecting. So I made a goal and I achieved it. I was bigger then life, sure of myself in a way I have never known, slightly cocky but in a Maverick from Top Gun kind of way. It worked too. For the better part of a month I was the happiest I can recall in years. And while at work, around this one other woman.. I was just giddy, silly, all smiles and luaghing. Anyone around the 2 of us just couldn't help from having a good time too. I had everyone laughing, along with us with our banter and poking fun at each other whilet oozing that charming yet cocky state of mind and over powering sexual innuendo that I can spin off pretty much anything anyone says.
Ill go into more detail with the two of us next post. I do not wish to make most posts into books onto themselves. Its hard with the way i can just spew words. I figure it was un avoidable to a point with these two but yeah.
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